“What Counts as Self-Care? Maybe It’s Not What We’re Sold”

Self-care is everywhere. It shows up in Instagram captions and product ads for cosmetics, meal kits, weekend retreats, even candles. Simple artifacts are presented so compellingly that self care has become synonymous with spending, rather than the quality of being.

The Commercialization of Self-Care

Self care themed ads feel exuberant whereas real transformation happens in a series of unglamorous incremental steps. A person doesn't go from being 40 lbs overweight to being a triathlete in one stroke. It starts with a grueling new routine. In the early days it takes a monumental effort to see the scale lower by 5 lbs. The first signs of progress are usually so subtle that nobody else registers a change. The journey when we're "in the making" is invisible, yet it's those uncelebrated, unseen, unremarkable moments when transformation is in motion.

What Self - Care Really Means

Social media represents self-care as indulgence. The truth is, that self-care is work intensive: like setting boundaries, decluttering, or being the hesitant new girl in a room full of leveled up women. When someone in your inner circle dies, it can affect your physical health, cognition, emotional wellness, and so much more. I remember an incident after my mom died when I went to a laundromat to wash my oversized duvet. I was new in town and hadn't thought to look up the laundromat's hours. The owner, a stocky marine with a deep voice, told me firmly that I could not come in. I remember crying in my car on my way home. It upset me that I couldn't carry out a basic chore. At the time I was working remotely. Putting on regular clothes to leave the house drained my social battery. I was frustrated that it was for nothing, and also ashamed about the flood of tears that erupted on my drive home. There was nothing triumphant or glamorous about the scene.

I couldn't see it then but that was the beginning of an important reclaiming of my life after my mom's death. As someone known to be meticulous about my home, I was embracing a fundamental part of my identity. It didn't matter that I procrastinated for 2 hours after dinner by the time I finally left the house, the point was I got out the door. Similarly, it didn't matter that I got there too late to wash the duvet. The point was that I went back.

Self Care While Mourning

That isn't to say there's anything wrong with pampering yourself while you mourn. By all means anything that boosts comfort should be welcomed. Just don't attribute comfort to healing. Working through grief isn't easy, convenient, or pretty but the other side of self actualization is so worth it. I’d love to hear from you: what’s one small, unglamorous step you took during a hard season that turned out to be a quiet triumph? Maybe it didn’t seem important at the time, but looking back, it mattered. Share in the comments so others can be encouraged by your story.

And if tending to a loved one’s resting place feels like too much right now, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Resting Place Services is here to give it HGTV grade beautification. Learn more here.

This is the laundromat I visited when I needed a commercial sized machine. For anyone else from San Jose, King Eggroll was just a few streets over. I will always love my home town Not my photo.